


USS Secret Santa - 2014 : If Only The Truth Were As Good As The Lie

by HamishHolmes



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, USS Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 11:07:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2848661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamishHolmes/pseuds/HamishHolmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story written for the USS-Secret Santa on tumblr. It's a fake married fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	USS Secret Santa - 2014 : If Only The Truth Were As Good As The Lie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [acuddleinbelgravia](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=acuddleinbelgravia).



Jim’s bones ached from the shuttle ride planet-side. He was warned by Spock that the atmosphere of the planet he was going down to meant that shuttle rides were difficult and often the shuttle shook violently. It was one thing knowing that, and another experiencing it. He rubbed his lower back as he climbed out of the shuttle, throwing a Star Fleet kit bag over his shoulder.

He blinked in the harsh sunlight and looked around, wondering where his greeting party was. Spock had been heading the negotiations with the planet to join the federation, but unfortunately, something had gone wrong.

Those were his exact words.

“Something has gone wrong, Captain.”

Jim had thought that it was an odd statement, because Spock usually gave such accurate reports, but this time, he only said that, ending the call moments later. Jim’s eyes couldn’t make out anything in the bright sunlight around, and he jumped a mile when a careful hand slipped sunglasses onto his nose.

“Easy there, Jim,” said Bones’ voice as the world slowly began to filter back into focus.

“What’s going on?” whispered Jim, not moving his mouth at all (a trick learnt from many years negotiating with other races), “Spock didn’t say what was wrong.”

“Balls,” said the doctor, voice impassive, as though he was merely discussing the weather, “Spock was supposed to tell you what to expect. For now, believe me that you are my husband and act like it.”

Jim looked at Bones, but the doctor’s face remained serious.

A man hurried towards them. Actually, as Jim looked closer, he realised that the man wasn’t a man. He was humanoid, that was certain, but he was 6 feet tall, easily, and with deep blue sky, the colour that Jim saw at the edges of galaxies, just before the light burned away completely to blackness. The man also had four arms, not two.

“Hello, Mr Kirk,” he said, extending one hand.

“Captain,” said Bones, before Jim could open his mouth.

“Of course,” said the man, bowing slightly, “I merely forgot your title.”

“No bother at all,” said Jim, nudging Bones slightly, thrilling at the touch, “my husband’s just touchy about it.”

“Of course,” said the man, “my husband is also touchy about my title.”

“Which is …?” said Jim, hinting at the lack of formal introduction, without being undiplomatic.

“Oh, I am so sorry; diplomatic relations are not my thing. That’s my husband’s job.”

The man gestured behind him, to where Jim could now make out a group of people. There looked to be about seven people with another couple off to the side. They began to walk that way, the man giving him a basic overview of the weather on the planet and some other geological features. Jim nodded as he listened, reaching out absentmindedly to intertwine his fingers with Bones’, a gesture he’d always wanted to make. Their hands fit together perfectly, just as Jim had always thought they would, in his dreams, in his thoughts. 

***

As they grew closer to the group from which Bones had stridden to put the sunglasses on Jim’s face. He couldn’t let the other man, who was going to do it, try; Jim would’ve had him on the floor with a phaser to the back of the head instantly. Also, he was worried that when Jim met the new man, he’d forget the disguise and the con that they were running.

 _Good thing I did to,_ thought Bones, _or else he wouldn’t have known that we were even running a con._

Jim’s finger found his, winding through them as if they did it every day, and Bones suppressed a reflexive jump. He tried to keep his breathing level and resist from relaxing as if he had come home after a long day.

He hoped that there would be some time now to talk to Jim In private, because explaining all this in front of their hosts would be undiplomatic, even Bones knew that.

But for the moment, he was content merely to hold Jim’s hand and walk along, the way he always wished he could in the corridors on the Enterprise.

The sunlight warmed his back through his medical blues, but the heat from Jim’s hand had all his attention, so much so that when they were greeted by the party, it took a squeeze from Jim to get him to greet them in return.

Jim opened his mouth, presumably to question why his first officer and his chief scientist were stood off to one side alone, but Bones nudged him delicately and shot him a look of warning. Jim shut his mouth again as the leader of the welcome party opened his.

“Captain Kirk,” he said, voice melodic and soothing, “we have heard many things about you, even on our small planet. Though we know that your tenacious mind may want to get on with negotiations as soon as possible, we are proposing an hour rest period now, in which you will be shown to your room and the others –” his disgust with Spock and Carol was audible, and Bones knew that even Jim could hear it by the way he tensed “—can fill you in on what has been happening.”

“Thank you …” Jim trailed off before rallying supremely, “I’m sorry, but that shuttle ride completely took it out of me and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten what your official title is.”

“Sh’old,” said the man, “I believe it translates to Emperor in your language.”

“Thank you, Emperor,” said Jim with an easy smile that seemed at once friendly and reverential, “I would be most grateful for a few hours to compose my thoughts and of course to greet my husband –” he looked at Bones and smiled, “—it is such a trial being apart.”

“I know how you feel,” said the Emperor, wrapping his hands once more around the staff that his own husband had proffered, “Izzy will show you to your quarters.”

“Thank you.”

With that, a female stepped forwards and gestured for the crew of the Enterprise to follow her. Jim and Bones followed, still holding hands.

***

The girl, Izzy, left them once they were inside their room, and Jim turned to Bones.

“Care to explain what’s going on?” he said, voice low.

The walls around them were made of bamboo and who knew what could be heard through them. They would have to be very careful for the remainder of their stay.

“Okay,” said Bones, rubbing his face, “I’ll give you the short version. You sent three of us down here, Me, Spock and Carol. Spock and Carol were doing the negotiation and I was sent to heal one of their priests who was sick and thus to find favour with the Emperor. All good so far. But we counted our chickens before they hatched. They found out that Spock and Carol were married, through no fault of either of our crew-members, merely because such things happen to come out at dinner conversation.”

“But we’re married,” said Jim with an obvious glance at the walls, “it can’t be the marriage they object to.”

“No,” said Bones, “I really wish you would read the paperwork that Spock writes on planets before just coming planet-side.”

“But they’re more than a page long,” whined Jim, “can’t you just summarise?”

Bones rolled his eyes but answered any way, “They’re strictly a homosexual society, the way Earth used to be very heterosexual.”

Jim pulled a face at the period of history they were talking about when he would have been beaten up or even killed for loving anything on two legs.

“I know,” said Bones, “but it was only my quick use of diplomatic immunity that meant that they didn’t throw Carol and Spock off the cliffs when they found out.”

Jim’s breath hitched slightly; he hadn’t known how close his friends had come to dying less than a day ago.

“Well that explains why they were stood off to one side,” he said, almost to himself.

“Yeah,” said Bones, “I was gonna try an’ carry on the negotiations without them, but you know how bad I am at that sort of thing.”

Jim smirked at the recollection of the time that he had let Bones negotiate and Bones had accidentally nearly negotiated the selling of Earth to the other party. He didn’t let Bones on many diplomatic trips after that.

“I’m glad you called me,” said Jim, moving closer and putting his hands lightly on Bones’ hips.

Bones rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the proximity of crotch to hands and huffing slightly at the contact.

“I’ve missed you.”

He looked up at the sincerity of Jim’s words. Even though he knew that Jim only meant them as a captain and a friend, not as a lover, Bones still thrilled to the core to hear them. He imagined slipping closer into his embrace and looping his arms round his neck, pulling him into a kiss that would let Bones finally know how soft those lips were.

“I’ve missed you too,” was what he said instead, pulling away, “but we should go and see Spock and Carol before we begin negotiating again.”

“Will that hurt our chances at getting them to sign?”

“You can’t cripple a horse with no legs, Jim,” smiled Bones mirthlessly, “they acknowledge that they have no right to dictate the sexuality of people who do not live on their planet –“

“They have no reason to dictate …” said Jim, trailing away at the meaningful glare that Bones shot his way.

“They merely wish not to deal with heterosexuals as diplomatic ambassadors.”

Jim slid his arm around Bones’ back, pulling him closer.

“Let’s go then,” he said, smirking at Bones’ slight discomfort, though in reality it hurt that Bones would never love him in that way.

***

Spock was pacing the floor when Jim opened the door and shepherded in a laughing Bones.

“You two are certainly enjoying yourselves,” he said, a slight hint of venom in his usually placid voice.

“Oh hush,” said Carol, moving forward, “do they suspect?”

She moved into a hushed whisper for the last sentence.

Bones and Jim both frowned, trying to recollect something that the aliens might suspect about them.

“Oh,” whispered Jim, “that we’re not married?”

“Yeah,” said Carol, as if it should have been immediately obvious what she was talking about, and in retrospect, Jim admitted to himself that it probably should have been, but he was having such a good time with Bones that he hadn’t noticed.

It had been too long since they had had time alone together, time to talk and tell awful jokes, time to try and tease out Bones’ glorious laughter.

“No,” said Bones, elbowing Jim out of his trance like state, “they don’t.”

“Good,” said Spock, “we need you to complete the negotiations swiftly.”

“Aye aye,” said Jim with a mock salute, “will do, Mr Spock, never fear.”

Bones rolled his eyes again and then took hold of Jim’s hand, “We’d better get going; negotiations start in ten minutes.”

“Alright,” said Jim and, with a final smile at the other couple, allowed himself to be pulled from the hut.

“How did we miss it?” asked Carol.

“Miss what?” asked Spock, turning to her.

“I see now how you missed it,” said Carol, “but how did I miss it?”

“I still fail to see what you missed,” said Spock, “they are behaving just as they always do.”

“Precisely,” said Carol, “and scientifically, what do you think that could mean?”

“That the aliens are easily fooled?” said Spock, not understanding at all what Carol was trying to say.

“No…” said Carol, wondering how such a smart man could be so dumb, “they always act like a married couple.”

“An interesting hypothesis …” said Spock, turning to look at the door through which they had exited.

***

Bones rubbed his neck and groaned.

“That was a long time to be sat down,” he griped, standing.

“Was it?” said Jim, “I didn’t notice.”

“Aye, well, as a captain you just sit on your ass all day anyway,” said Bones, “never done an honest day’s work in your life.”

“Oh yeah?” said Jim, “and what do doctors know about hard-work?”

“More than delinquent kids in golden shirts.”

They stood, moving to exit the room, when the Emperor spoke.

“We would like to invite you all, including the bree- other members of your crew who are on our planet,” he said, standing as they did, “to a banquet in honour of our approaching concord.”

“We accept gratefully,” said Bones with a slight nod, “but my husband and I would like to shower if you could show us where we can we are not used to such temperatures.”

“Of course, Doctor,” said the Emperor, “Izzy will show you, and then, maybe, you could visit your patient.

“But of course,” said Bones, as if he had not already thought about doing this, “excuse us, your imperial majesty.”

The man nodded and Bones and Jim left, following Izzy out of the door.

“You brought up my delinquent past,” said Jim as they strolled behind her, “why do you always do that?”

Bones glared at him whilst he tried to come up with a suitably marital answer.

“Um… you know I love a good rebel,” said Bones, pressing his hip into Jim’s.

It was kinda true. He did like Jim a lot when he was disobeying the Star Fleet rules and just doing whatever crazy idea seemed alright at the time, even though it usually worried him sick.

“Really, well, we could break some rules right now,” said Jim, “like anti-frat rules.”

“Oh my God,” said Bones, “Izzy is right there. Have you no shame?”

“Doctor McCoy, I’m all shame,” said Jim, faking innocence.

“Yeah, and I’m the Queen o’ Sheba.”

Jim laughed and Bones thought that he even heard a snigger from Izzy as she pointed out the shower block before leaving.

“After you, darlin’,” said Bones.

How Jim had longed to hear that term of endearment drop from Bones’ lips in his southern accent, but not like this. He didn’t want it to be false, forced, put on for the aliens around them.

Jim smiled and slipped inside, smile slipping from his lips as he did. Bones leant against the door to prevent other people going in and continued their conversation, letting it drift to the people on the Enterprise and what they were going to do once they got back on the ship.

“I vote for movie and popcorn,” said Jim, coming out of the shower and wrapping his arms around Bones’ waist, and pushing his wet hair into the delve between his shoulder and his neck. Bones leant his head down on reflex until his cheek was resting on Jim’s head and they stood like that for a while, watching the world go by.

“I need to shower, Jim,” said Bones, turning his head a little.

“Nuhu,” said Jim, shaking his head, “you’re not moving.”

“Come on,” said Bones, “I’m all sweaty and gross.”

“You’re never gross,” said Jim, pouting like a little boy as he removed his arms from round Bones waist, allowing the older man to go into the shower.

“I really need some food,” said Jim, “hurry up.”

“They won’t start the feast until they start the feast and me showerin’ quicker won’t help at all.”

“True, but it would help me get to see you again sooner.”

“Ain’t you just a sweet talker?” said Bones, reappearing and towelling his hair dry.

Jim’s breath caught slightly in his throat the way it always did whenever he saw Bones with wet hair, but he turned it into a cough and hid his red face in his hands.

“Come on Bones,” said Jim, “the feast’ll be starting soon and we need to go and get Spock and Carol before it starts.”

“I’m coming, Jim,” said Bones, “I’m right behind you.”

They set off walking again, looping their arms together casually as they strolled both men sure that they were enjoying the experience much more than the other. The sun was warm on their backs, and their ever-present sunglasses made them look like secret agents from old Earth.

They reached the hut on the outskirts of the village where Spock and Carol were staying and knocked.

“Yes?” came Spock’s voice from inside.

They went in and found the two of the others sat on the bed next to each other, thighs touching and holding hands in their lap.

“What’s wrong?” said Spock, standing up and letting go of Carol’s hand.

“Nothing,” said Jim, “It is merely that the Emperor has said that you can come to the feast that they are holding in honour of us tonight, because they feel like we will finish the peace talks tomorrow and we will be back on the Enterprise by tomorrow night.”

“We will put on our dress clothes,” said Spock, turning back to Carol, who nodded and smiled.

Jim nodded and pulled Bones back outside into the sunlight and along towards their quarters where they changed for the feast before Izzy came to fetch them again to show them to the great hall.

They arrived to a scene of wonder.

Great lanterns hung from the ceiling casting a gentle glow over the people gathered below. The natives had all put their hair in braids and were wearing their best clothes and their biggest smiles.

“You are sitting with the Emperor,” said Izzy, shyly, “and your friends will be seated with me.”

It annoyed Jim that Spock and Carol would be sat at the place left for those with the lowest social status, but Bones merely smiled at Izzy, knowing that it was merely their custom and not her fault. He steered Jim away with a touch to his elbow.

“One more day, Jimmy-boy,” said Bones, “Don’t shoot your horse just before it crosses the line.”

Jim smiled at Bones’ use of elaborate racing metaphor and followed him to the end of the table, where they took their seats next to the Emperor with a nod.

The Emperor stood, braids swinging and both sets of arms raise high.

“We are gathered here today,” he said in the hush that followed his rise, “to honour our guests who have come far to persuade us to join their federation which will bring many great benefits to our people.”

Jim lost track of the speech with all but a small section of his mind (the section reserved for diplomatic answers and comments) and focused on Bones’ hand, still holding his as they listened to the man talking. The heat of the other man’s palm against his own was very distracting, and he was fighting to keep his mind out of the gutter and in the great hall.

“So, LET THE FEAST BEGIN!” finished the Emperor, sitting down again.

Jim tucked into the food, glad that leaders always felt the need to end their speeches with a clear indication that it was over. Though he could not agree with their beliefs on sexuality, or with their methods of treating those who do not conform, Jim had to admire their cuisine. Some form of crab was served with a tangy dressing which made it infinitely more enjoyable. Even Bones, famous for his lack of interest in other planets cuisine (mainly because of the allergies that Jim seemed to have to everything) was eating with a look of pure delight on his face, the kind of look Jim had only seen when they talked about his daughter Joanna.

The wine was also very free-flowing, though it seemed to have very little effect on the intoxication levels of the natives. Jim and Bones however were rapidly on their way to being very drunk.

“I tell you something else,” said Jim, waving his wine glass like it was a piece of evidence in court, “I miss Earth an’ I miss Bones’ Mum’s cooking. Man, her southern cuisine makes a man want to marry her son.”

There was a round of raucous laughter and Jim then planted a wet kiss on Bones’ cheek.

The doctor merely rolled his eyes and passed no comment, which Jim took as a win.

As the evening progressed and they got drunker, the comment of the natives became more lascivious and Jim and Bones began to get more and more uncomfortable which then meant that they took out the tension on each to her.

When the feast ended and they were heading out to their cabin, they fell into a large argument over something very trivial. In fact, after that night, neither of them could have told you what it was, although Spock always said it was something about their time at the academy together.

“Well, it wasn’t my fault!” Jim yelled, stopping outside their door.

“You never take responsibility for things you do!” shouted Bones, “THIS IS WHY WE’RE NOT MARRED!”

They suddenly became aware of all the natives standing round, slack jawed and rapidly becoming angry.

They ducked inside their cabin and grabbed their bags, leaping through a window at the back when they all their stuff. They made it to Spock and Carol’s hut to find them waiting with their bags too. The fug of alcohol had begun to clear from Bones’ mind, the adrenalin chasing it out of his systm.

“You heard too?” he asked, looking sheepish.

“I believe that the whole planet might have heard,” said Spock, “but the shuttle is on the way any minute.”

They headed out towards the plain where Jim had first been dropped. Through the upper atmosphere, Jim could see the shuttle descending, but not fast enough. They could hear crashing in the brush behind them and the natives burst out of the cover. Jim grabbed Bones hand and sped up, tugging him along like a kite on a string. In response, the doctor doubled his speed, keeping pace with the younger man easily.

One of the natives broke away from the pack and seemed to kick into a higher gear. As she grew closer, Jim noticed that it was Izzy.

“Please,” she panted as she reached them, “take me with you.”

“Why?” said Jim, “What could we possibly need you for?”

I don’t need to join your crew, but please save me from this place!”

“What?!” said Jim, so shocked he nearly stopped, only Bones’ grip on his hand kept him moving.

“I love a him; they will never accept me here.”

The shuttle had landed and Scotty had opened the door, leaning out and reaching for them.  
“Come on, Captain!”

They sprinted the last few metres and made it onto the ship, collapsing behind the closing doors as the Emperor yelled obscenities at them from the other side.

“Okay, Izzy,” panted Jim, “you can come with s, but you have to be useful, at least until we get to the next planet.”

“I’ll do anything,” said Izzy, seemingly fine after their hard run.

“Stamina like nothing I’ve ever seen,” muttered Bones.

“Hey, you weren’t so bad,” said Jim, “old man!”

“Hey!” said Bones, leaping onto Jim, “we’re not married anymore; I don’t have to take that from you.”

“Oh yeah?” asked Jim, breathless now for an entirely different reason.

“Yeah,” said Bones, then he lowered his mouth onto Jim’s and felt the young man respond in kind.

***

“So, Captain,” said Spock, standing on the bridge of the Enterprise, “hostile planet?”

“Absolutely.”

“Negotiations failed due to their party, and not ours?”

“Yeah, due to their party being absolute bas –”

“Hey!” said Bones, coming onto the bridge and standing beside Jim, “language to a minimum with Izzy around.”

“Why? She’s an adult.”

“And she’s only just learning English. I don’t want her picking up your foul mouth.”

“You didn’t think it was that foul last night,” said Jim.

Bones rolled his eyes, but let Jim kiss him anyway.

Perhaps space wasn’t so dark after all.


End file.
